On Sunday mornings, Chelsea and I like to walk her dog down to our favorite coffee shop. Sitting outside, enjoying the mild San Diego weather, and conversing over caffeinated beverages is a great way to start the day. My usual order is a cappuccino and a croissant.
There’s something magical about the combination of espresso, milk, wheat flour, and sugar. It lights up my brain in a wonderful way… for about 30 minutes.
After that, I routinely crash and end up feeling like crap.
The semi-comatose state that follows is not very conducive to writing, or doing anything productive, really. Yesterday, I found myself struggling to think of a topic for this week’s newsletter, and feeling a little discouraged about my writing journey.
After finding myself in this predicament yet again, I remembered one of the basic principles I’ve learned in my years as a therapist and coach: state before story.
In a nutshell, this principle says that our thoughts and, by extension, the stories we tell ourselves, are dependent on the present state of our nervous systems.
If your adrenal glands are dumping jet fuel into your bloodstream, your breath is shallow, and your heart is racing, your thoughts are not going to be rational or useful. You are not going to be able to solve any important problems in your business or your marriage—hell, you probably shouldn’t even reply to emails. The same is true if you’re lying catatonic on the couch in a burrito coma.
You need to change your state first.
There are a potentially infinite number of ways to change your physiological state:
Do a short meditation
Have a cup of tea
Take a walk around the block
Use pranayama or other breathing techniques
Listen to music or dance to a song
Some of these techniques are more activating, others more relaxing. You can use them to dial your energy level either up or down, depending on the circumstances. Of course, your state is also affected by your sleep, exercise, and nutrition (or lack of any of these).
In some cases—such as when you’re jetlagged after a long trip, or you have a cold—you may simply need to wait in order to feel better. (I definitely don’t recommend making any major life or business decisions when you’re under the influence, hung over, jetlagged, sick, sleep deprived, hypoglycemic, or recently dumped.) But much of the time, there’s something you can do right now to change your state.
Once you’ve shifted to a more helpful state, then you can examine your thoughts about the situation and try to come up with a more helpful story to tell yourself.
Changing your story is a topic for another newsletter, but for now, try asking yourself these questions:
What story am I currently telling myself about this situation?
Is this story objectively true, or is it just one interpretation of the facts?
How does this story make me feel, when I believe it?
Is this story helpful? Is there another story I could tell myself that would be more empowering?
Yesterday, in my post-croissant malaise, all I really needed was a shower and a protein shake in order to feel a little better and shift to a more productive mindset. Your mileage may vary, bu the next time you feel stuck—especially if you’re caught up in negative thoughts or an unhelpful story—I invite you to check in with your state first, and do one thing to shift it.
Have you ever found that you were able to change your story after adjusting your state? What’s one practice that helps your nervous system shift gears? Let me know in the comments.
Thanks for reading,
Chris Cordry, LMFT
PS: Need help shifting out of unhelpful states or stories? Just reply to this email to ask me about 1:1 coaching.
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This explains why my brain lights up and produces a proliferation of best ideas for writing when I'm out on my bicycle. I should probably actually stop when I'm trying to write them down on my phone though.