Mindful Mondays #26: The Art of Asking Questions

Open-ended vs. closed questions, being a better conversationalist, and my 12 Favorite Problems

Photo by Ana Municio on Unsplash

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How to Ask Better Questions

There’s an art to asking good questions. As a therapist and coach, I learned to ask open-ended questions, rather than closed ones. Closed questions have definite, yes/no, or one-word answers. “Did you do the dishes?” for example, is not a great conversation starter. In fact, closed questions can often be conversation enders.

Open-ended questions often use the classic journalistic “who, what, when, where, how, and why.” They can range from the quotidian, i.e. “How’s your day going so far?”, to the profound: “What gives you hope and meaning in your life?”

You don’t have to be a therapist or coach to use open-ended questions. If you want to be a better conversationalist, try using them with your friends, family members, and coworkers (unless you’d rather not have long conversations with your coworkers). And when you get an answer, don’t just wait for your turn to talk. Try asking follow-up quetions to go deeper.

My 12 Favorite Problems

In Write of Passage, we learn a tool called 12 Favorite Problems. The idea comes from physicist Richard Feynman, who said:

“You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, “How did he do it? He must be a genius!”

We write our 12 favorite problems in the form of open-ended questions, which we can then use to generate ideas for research and writing. But I don’t think you need to be a writer to benefit from this exercise. We all have problems or questions we’re working to resolve in our lives, and things we’re trying to learn.

Here’s my current list:

1. How can I maximize my overall health, fitness, and longevity (lifespan and healthspan) while enjoying a high quality of life?

2. How can I cultivate my relationship with my partner for long-term happiness and flourishing?

3. How can I help my daughter navigate the uncertainty and challenges of the 21st century?

4. What spiritual path (or paths) are right for me, and how can I best continue moving in the direction of awakening and embodiment in my day-to-day life?

5. How can I continue developing myself as a therapist and coach, helping my clients more  effectively and building a business that feels sustainable to me in the long term?

6. How can I continue to enjoy pursuing a wide variety of interests, while developing genuine skills and producing creative work, without getting absolutely wrecked by Shiny Object Syndrome?

7. What should I write about?

8. What is the best way for me to grow my audience and distribute my work?

9. How can I be more productive (i.e. get important things done), in a mindful way, and without stressing myself out?

10. How can humans prevent the worst consequences of climate change, stop the mass extinction of species, and have a more harmonious relationship with the Earth?

11. How can we avoid having our attentional capacities totally hijacked by digital media technologies?

12. What is the future of religion and spirituality? How can people in modern, Westernized societies reconnect with our spiritual roots or find new sources of inspiration?

It feels vulnerable sharing this. Though this list is constantly evolving and being updated, these questions are near to my heart. They’re the ones I go to bed and wake up thinking about.

What are your favorite problems? If you try this exercise for yourself, I’d love to read them.

Article of Interest

Rob Burbea: Ordinary Guy, Werewolf, Eternal Wanderer: Rob Burbea was a beloved meditation teacher who died from pancreatic cancer in 2020. I’m just now getting into his work—he has a vast library of recorded dharma talks online. Late in his life, Rob began developing a body of teachings he called Soulmaking Dharma, which brings together the insights of Western depth psychology (which I studied in grad school) with Buddhist meditation and philosophy. This article from Tasshin is a great introduction and appreciation of Rob’s work.

Podcast of the Week

John Vervaeke on Relevance Realization: Some of you may have heard psychologist John Vervaeke on the Tim Ferriss Show. Here’s another podcast appearance, from the excellent Desconstructing Yourself show with Michael Taft. In it, John talks about why we need not just one practice, but an ecology of practices to help us sort what matters from what doesn’t and find meaning amidst the noise of modern life.

Quote of the Week

“As to methods, there may be a million and then some, but principles are few. The man who grasps principles can successfully select his own methods. The man who tries methods, ignoring principles, is sure to have trouble.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

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That’s all for this week. As always, I welcome your feedback on Mindful Mondays. What was your favorite thing I shared this week? What would you like to learn more about? Let me know by replying to this email or leaving a comment on Substack.

Thank you for reading,

Chris Cordry, LMFT

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